Ex-Wife's Revenge :P ♣

Very Very Funny.. Must Read

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases. On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS

GUY IN LADIES TOILET.. VERY FUNNY.. MUST READ..

A guy in a hurry used the ladies 'toilet in a posh hotel'..

He sat down and noticed four buttons - WW, WA, PP & APR.

Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much!

He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up.

Still loving it, He pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh.

Feeling pampered, he decided to press the last button APR.

He later woke up in a hospital.

A nurse smiled & said to him, Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER. When the machine couldn't find a pad on you, it went for your balls.

Your balls are in the jar over there!

Doctor and his Assistant.. Very Funny.. Must Read..

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“ Thundering’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

Very Valuable Answer By A Little Girl

Very Valuable Answer By A Little Girl:

A teacher asked a little girl: What your DAD do?

Girl replied: He works in a chocolate factory and brings lots of chocolate for me..

In the evening he works in an ice-cream parlor and I eat my favorite flavor…

He also works in a toys shop and brings me soft and cuddly teddy sometime.

He is also a teacher because he helps me in my homework.

He is very strong & hard worker..

He works from morning to evening and never get tired.

And

When he is back to home, he is always ready to play with me.

 
Note:
Kids don’t value what we do to earn the money. They give value to what we do to earn their love…

Funny James Bond

James Bond was at a bar chatting up a beautiful woman. The woman notices Bond keeps looking at his watch.

"Are you running late?" she asks.

Bond replies, "No. This is a special watch that communicates with me telepathically."

"Oh really? What is it telling you?" the woman asks.

Bond replies, "It says you're not wearing any undergarments."

The woman laughs: "Ha! Your watch is broken Mr. Bond. For your information I AM wearing undergarments."

Bond smirks and taps the watch: "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

Funny Conversation.. lolzzzz

Two men at a bus stop started a conversation. One of them keeps complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man says, "You think you have family problems?" Listen to my situation..

''A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.

Later, my dad married my stepdaughter. 

That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law. 

Also my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.

Then my wife's daughter, my step-mom, had a son.

This boy was my half-brother 'cause he was my dad's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson.

That made me the grandfather of my half-brother. 

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. 

Now, the half-sister of my son, my step-mom, is also the grand-mom. 

My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad's wife! AND 

YOU THINK YOU HAVE FAMILY PROBLEMS?" 

the other guy fainted...

New Albert Einstein Funny Joke.. Dont Miss It..

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me

Very Very Funny.. Must Read..

A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog.

Walking in the door, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel...

She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...

''Yes," was his incredulous reply..

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

2+5, the son of a bitch is 7.. Very Funny.. Must Read..

A little boy was doing his maths homework & saying:

2+5, the son of a bitch is 7
 
3+6, the son of a bitch is 9. . .
His Mom: What are you doing?

Boy: I'm doing maths homework

Mom: this is how your teacher taught you?

Boy: Yes

Infuriated, Mom asked the teacher the next day-
 
'What are you teaching my son in maths?'

Teacher: Right now, we are learning addition.

Mom: you teaching them to say 2+ 2, the Son of a bitch is 4?

Teacher after laughing: What I taught them was, 2+2, The Sum of Which is 4 !

Doctor vs Patient

One morning at a doctor's office a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him -"OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club, right? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. 

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. 

I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. 

As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. 

I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That’s how I strained my back."

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. 

The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. 

What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. 

Today was the first day at my new job. 

I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. 

I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the sametime, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do.. The doctor is shocked.  Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge and some one threw it from the 3rd floor"......

Three blondes & Game Warden.. ha ha ha ha

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.

“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steel head trout in this river?”

Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore

wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. 

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. 

While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled,
So I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. 

She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. 

She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. 

Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. 

Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

How many of you love your husbands? ha ha ha.. Very Funny Reply

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember..

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

3. I don't understand what you mean?

4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!

5. ?!?

6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

7. Am I dreaming? ???????

8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!

9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!

and the best one

10. Who is this?

Professor vs Sailor.. Very Funny.. ha ha ha..

A Professor was traveling by boat.

On his way he asked the sailor :
“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology ?

The sailor said no to all his questions.

Professor : What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.

After a while the boat started sinking.

The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology ?

The professor said no.

Sailor : “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.

Girl BRA Size.. lol.. Hilarious Funny..

A girl went to a shop to buy a bra.

GIRL : I need bra.. can you show it..

SHOPKEEPER : Here is size 36.

GIRL : Smaller please

SHOPKEEPER : Size 34

GIRL : Smaller

SHOPKEEPER : Size 32

GIRL : Smaller

SHOPKEEPER : Size 30

GIRL : Smaller

SHOPKEEPER : 26

GIRL : Smaller

SHOPKEEPER : Ok...size 24

GIRL : Smaller

SHOPKEEPER : Size 20

GIRL : Smaller Again

[Shopkeeper now Annoyed]

SHOPKEEPER : Madam please just go buy some cream may be they were just Pimples!

10 Husbands.. ha ha ha ha.. lol

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

Very Funny.. ha ha ha

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, ‘All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, ’cause this is the last stop. 

And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, ’cause we’re going down the tracks.’

The horrified mother went in and told her son, ‘We don’t use that kind of language in this house. 

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. 

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.’

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. 

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, ‘All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. 

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.’

She hears the little boy continue ‘For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. 

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.’

As the mother began to smile, the child added, ‘For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

ATTITUDE.. Its Awesome.. Must Read..

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is equal to 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then 

H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

L+O+V+E= 12+15+22+5= 54%

L+U+C+K = 12+21+3+11 =47%

None of them makes 100% Then what makes 100% ???

Is it Money? NO !!!

Leadership? NO !!!

Every problem has a solution, only if we perhaps change our
"ATTITUDE".

It is OUR ATTITUDE towards Life and Work that makes OUR Life 100% Successful..

A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE..

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE... Very Funny.. Must Read..

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Funny Animal Facebook Status Updates..

If animals have FACEBOOK/ BBM/ WhatsApp, these are most likely to be their Status Updates :

COCKROACH: "Managed to skip from some one’s foot step.. Man, I lead a dangerous lifestyle!"

Dog: "My 7th child is asking who is her dad. What shall I tell her??,I don’t even remember"....

Mosquito: "I am HIV positive.. this is all due to wrong sucking"

Pig: "Oh gosh they throw the gossips that I am spreading flu…WTF!! "

Goat : "Friends, don’t go out, Eid is coming soon"
,
Chicken: "If tomorrow there's no status update from my side, means I'm being served at KFC.

Pig writes a comment on Goat’s status: "Luckily I am haram"

Goat replies: "Don’t you remember that after Eid is the Chinese new year..?